The last time I wrote, I was thinking about saying goodbye to 2016 and hello to 2017.  Still there. It's a process. Looking backwards isn't as hard as it used to be. It has become easier to not dwell on the rough times and to instead, learn and let go.  It has become almost a joy...a celebration...to acknowledge the strength and growth that came from the rough times. It has always been a joy to celebrate good memories and accomplishments.

Looking ahead is where I have a new learning curve. This past year, and moving forward, it is less about goals and "want to do" or "should do" things and more about WHO I want to be, Who I Am. It is about being honest with myself, finally. I used to think that was selfish, and it may appear that way sometimes. From this vantage point in life, I wish I had been a little more so when I was younger.  It is when we take care of ourselves and live into our fullest potential of who we are that we can be the best us for those we love.

Without striving to meet the "should" goals as my priority, it is now more about how I want to feel and the people and experiences I want in my life.  Honestly, it is about learning to live with no regrets and living into myself so that at the end, there will be awesome stories to tell of an authentic, loving person who lived her life fully-her way, and taught others to do the same.  I believe that my actions, and my goals as such, will spring naturally from that.  I have stopped painting a specific picture of the life I want and instead I am learning to vision the essence, the feel, of my life in light of who I believe I am. And then I trust. Each step I take, each goal, each dream, either puts me in that feeling, or takes me one step closer as I peel off the layers of masks I have worn over the years.

And decorating the tree with my two youngest granddaugthers?  It was exactly what I dream of,  an awesome day filled with joy, good feelings & hugs, love and memories....the kind of life and essence I treasure.

Rough night last night with some seriously painful leg cramps.  These aren’t Charlie horses, but excruciating tightness on the outside lower leg/ankle/foot.  Usually it is just one leg, not this time, it was like trying to walk on two pieces of wood.  I was able to keep it at bay during the evening by getting up and walking around/stretching a lot, but I was afraid to go to sleep…..so some meds came into play.  I have a love/hate relationship with medications, but in this case, they were appreciated. It had been a great day doing an Open House event yesterday, but I was probably in boots too long.  Ohhh, moving on. 

Today, is all about rest, catching up on house things, “me” things and to prepare for the coming week… to ensure there is balance. It is also time for beginning the process of saying goodbye to 2016 and letting go….and saying hello to 2017 and visioning.  And, grand kids are coming later to help decorate the tree, have some hot cocoa, watch the snow fall and watch movies!  A perfect day.

Three years later, not much, and everything, is new.  However, I will not be catching up and telling the story of the last 3 plus years.  I have stopped looking backwards.  I used to think that it helped to look backwards to understand where I was in the present.  Maybe it’s age, or experience, or simply tiredness….for now, I prefer to just be in the moment and let the past be in the past.  No sense recapping three years of continued crisis, change, struggle AND wonderful life events, since I last wrote here.

Life is life and it has ups and downs, and whatever needs to unfold will in it's own time. The real story is today, with no excuses or explanations of yesterday and no promises for tomorrow. Today is both imperfect and a blessing. And, I’m just glad to be here and have time with the ones I love.